It is said that all relationships take work, but it’s easy to forget that this “work” really does begin at home. It we are to find a fulfilling relationship, we have to come prepared with some of the groundwork already done, so we can be clear in our mind as to what we want in a partner. This way of thinking also applies to our family and friendships too; if we can bring a mindful attitude to our relationships, we can manage and sustain them through the more difficult times. When we have the willingness and intent to change what it not working for us, we then start to see positive growth. If we hide those things that are troubling us, relationships can start to fall by the wayside and resentment can set in. Meditation can help untangle the issues that have built up, so you can navigate those relationships in a clearer, more balanced frame of mind.

 

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MINDFUL LISTENING​

Mindful listening is an effective way of giving our complete attention to people and can strengthen those relationships most important to us by improving the quality and depth of the interactions we have with others.

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1 Before meeting up with someone, have a few moments to yourself and bring your attention to your breathing.

2 You can start the mindful listening process by posing a few questions to yourself: when did you first get to know each other? What are the qualities that drew you to this person? Why are they special to you? This will help you glean a better understanding of the relationship you have built up over time.

3 As soon as you meet, allow the conversation to flow as it normally would, allowing your mindful approach to come to the fore gently. Begin by noticing the mood and body language of the person you are talking to, are they talking quickly or slowly? Are they happy and engaged, or perhaps quieter and more reflective than usual? Giving your full attention allows you to adapt to the conversation as it unfolds and also creates a space of understanding as you are fully aware of the other person’s needs at this time.

4 As you converse, pause briefly before you form your response or answer any questions; the pause isn’t for any kind of dramatic effect, it simply allows you to think about your response and choice of words, rather than talking on autopilot. In conversation with people we know well it’s easy to become blasé, yet if we can be more present in what we are saying, our responses will likely be more thoughtful and considered.

5 If during the conversation you feel a strong urge to interject your opinion, just allow the impulse to pass and let whoever is speaking finish their train of thought. Respond when you have taken the time to really hear what they have said. Just a slight shift in our energy and focus can do wonders for our social interactions.

To conclude: This level of awareness also ensures that we are mindful of other potential distractions around us. How many of us, for example, have been enjoying a perfectly nice chat with a friend or colleague only to break them off mid-sentence to answer the phone? Our concentration naturally drifts from time to time, but by allowing the other person to become the central focus, you will create a more meaningful and satisfying interaction.

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WHAT DO YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP?​

What we look for in a relationship is a very personal matter; the one thing everyone has in common, though, is that the relationships we have encountered throughout our lives will have shown us which qualities we want and perhaps more importantly, do not want from a partner. Meditation can’t conjure that perfect person, but it can give you the space to think about the qualities that are important to you in a relationship. Being clear about what we actually want will allow our energy to be focused on finding those qualities and values.

 

1.) When using visualization in meditation, it is helpful to close your eyes so that you can start to paint a picture in your mind. Begin by visualizing a location that you are familiar with and where you spend time. The only caveat is that it needs to be somewhere social where you are likely to meet new people. It could be your local coffee shop, social group, members’ club, or even the gym. Just create a visual which you are familiar with and which resonates with you.

2.) As soon as you have the visual in your mind, start to imagine that you have been joined by a new acquaintance you are just getting to know, and think about what it is like to be in their company: how does it make you feel? Are you calm or excited? Happy or nervous? Visualize the way that you would like this first meeting to go.

... give yourself the space to think about what you really want from a relationship ...

3.) Start to move deeper into the scene: what are this person’s values? Do they like similar activities as you? What are their passions? Ask questions but always keep in mind their personal values rather than your ideal aesthetic partner; if we become too wrapped up in finding a very specific look, we risk the chance of eliminating potentially great partners.

4.) When you feel that you have come to the end of the meditation, bring your full attention to your breath as a way of detaching from the visualization.

To conclude: Use this exercise as a reminder of what is most important to you in a close, personal relationship.

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PAIRED MEDITATION

Meditating together with a partner or friend can be a powerful experience and will help to strengthen the bond between you. The most important aspect of this meditation is that the intent to open the lines of communication is your shared goal. We don’t possess a magic wand that will fix the issue in an instant, but with the right intention, meditation will be a step towards healing any cracks. Connecting with another person through meditation may seem unusual at first; however, if we are learning to meditate by ourselves it can be a beneficial activity to share with those closest to us.

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1.) To begin, find a quiet location where you can both sit comfortably. You will need to sit opposite one another, and it’s important that you are both level with each other, so if you have chosen to sit on chairs, ensure that they are both the same height. Sitting on a chair is likely to be easiest and most comfortable, but if you do prefer the floor, make sure you are propped up with cushions for support.

2.) If you both decide that you don’t want the room to be completely silent, you can put on some relaxing background music; just as long it doesn’t contain lyrics so as not to draw your attention away from the meditation in hand.

3.) When you both feel calm and ready, begin to focus on one another. Try not to overanalyze or over-think what is happening; this step helps you become familiar and comfortable with observing one another.

4.) Now close your eyes, with your partner following your lead and also closing their eyes. Become aware of the sound of your own breathing and note the rise and fall of your chest. You may even detect the sound of your partner breathing—just be mindful of the present as it happens. After a few moments, signal to your partner to open their eyes, perhaps by saying “open your eyes,” or by using another gesture as a gentle prompt.

5.) When you are both fully aware, focus on one another again, but this time, with a thoughtful and considered approach. Notice their eyes, and start to take in other features that you have seen many times before, but probably not in as much detail. Think about the qualities that you appreciate in the other person—it is when we look deeply that we start to see the person within.

6.) You may feel calm looking at your friend or partner, although you may also experience stronger emotions during this time. You cannot predict what you will feel so be gentle and understanding towards whatever comes to the surface.

7.) End the session by discussing how you both felt and what your personal experiences of the meditation were.

To conclude: This exercise helps build up trust with the other person; just allowing another person to really see you is an intimate experience for friends and partners to share. The aim is to strengthen the connection between the two of you by sitting in each other’s presence with a compassionate attitude. The practice can be built upon gradually as you become more comfortable doing it. You may decide to commit to five minutes at first and then progress to longer sessions if the exercise is suitable for you both.​

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MEDITATE WITH FRIENDS

One of the best ways to bring variety into your meditation routine is by meditating with those closest to you. It is a great way to add a new dimension to your meditative practice and can shake things up if you feel your routine is becoming a little dull and repetitive. These are my top tips on creating your very own members-only meditation group!

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1.) Start the conversation. It may be that meditation has never ranked particularly high on the conversation agenda. Have a chat with your friends and let them know about your interest in meditation. Suggest that you could all try a short meditative practice together.

2.) Choose a venue. If you have one or two friends who are interested in trying a new activity, find a location that suits all your purposes. It may come down to who has the bigger living room, but, equally, you could pick an outdoor location such as a park or garden—the choice is up to you. You only need to have enough space for you all to sit comfortably.

3.) Prepare the room. A little preparation will ensure you and your friends have an enjoyable practice. Bring in cushions, pillows, blankets, and any other props that you and your friends will need to feel comfortable.

Helpful hint

Don't be disheartened if your friends don't necessarily take to the practice in the way you had hoped. Meditation, although it can be practiced in a group setting, is a very personal experience, and so it may click for some people quite quickly while others may find they need to seek out the meditative benefits in their own way.

4.) Set the scene. We are often not used to silence when in the company of friends, so you may want to put on some calming background music—this will just take the edge off the silence and help you all to settle into the experience.

5.) Outline the meditation. Tell your friends the kind of meditation you will be practicing and give them a realistic time frame—you may want to suggest five minutes to begin with. I would advise carrying out the “Count the Breath” meditation, as you will be able to talk them through a detailed introduction, and then your friends can simply integrate the meditation in their own time.

6.) The end of the session. As you will be taking the lead on the meditation, you will be responsible for signaling the end of the session. Place a watch directly in front of you so you can glance down after a few minutes, just to keep an eye on the time. When you feel the time has come to end the session, gently ask your friends to bring their attention back into the room. After the exercise, make sure you all have a glass of water at the ready and discuss what each one of you thought of the practice.

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FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Each relationship has its own set of challenges, and in the following meditation we will focus our attention on how we can successfully communicate our needs when we feel an issue has come to the surface. Sometimes we can feel unsure of how to address a problem or perhaps we are unwilling or nervous to do so. If we can simply pay attention to the issue we can start working towards finding a resolution.

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1.) Start by finding a comfortable place to sit and gently close your eyes. For this exercise, focus on one particular relationship in which you would like to see an improvement. Think about the relationship you currently have with this person, but rather than focusing on where you feel something is lacking, be mindful of the particular aspects that make you happy. Bringing compassion to this exercise allows us to focus on how we can make positive steps, rather than viewing the relationship from a negative angle.

2.) Once you have taken some time to consider the relationship, bring your attention to your breath, which helps prevent any over-thinking. If we dwell on anything too long we may start to find fault in it, which is an unhelpful way of thinking.

3.) As you settle into the meditation, gently bring your attention to one positive improvement that could strengthen and enhance your relationship. You may feel, for example, that there is a lack of real communication between the two of you; perhaps text messaging and email have taken over from face-to-face time, which can often feel alienating. This is the time to think about how you plan to discuss this matter with the other person.

... pay attention to issues and work towards a resolution ...

4.) Spend a few moments visualizing how addressing the issue you identified will start to improve your relationship. In order to become closer to people, we have to be willing to be more open about our needs.

To conclude: This visualization can help us focus on making positive steps to improve our relationships.

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MEDITATION FOR COMPASSION

When thinking about what it means to be a compassionate person, we tend to consider how we would relate to another person who is in need of care and understanding. We rarely factor ourselves into this category. The following meditation can help you start to view yourself with greater kindness and consideration.

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1.) Sit in your meditation space and, as you allow yourself to relax, bring a sense of calm with you, so you are approaching this exercise from a gentle and thoughtful perspective. Your focus at this point should be on your breathing and the gentle rise and fall of your chest.

2.) As you close your eyes, focus on a time in your life when you have been there for someone in need.

3.) Allow this visualization to run through your mind and remember how you felt towards this person; the esteem and regard you held them in as well as the care and attention it took to make sure they were well looked after.

4.) If at any time you feel emotional, come back to yourself by using the breath as a means to keep you feeling calm and in control. When we take care of our family and friends, we often don’t think about the emotion and thought behind it, we just do it because we care. You might call it compassion on autopilot as we go where we are needed and do it gladly, which is why this exercise is helpful in showing us that we also need to show the same compassion to ourselves.

5.) Think about how you treat yourself on a day-to-day basis and the general thought process behind this; how do you view yourself when you first wake up in the morning? If you have a hard day at work or at home, do you treat yourself kindly or are you particularly harsh and critical? If you take time out for yourself, do you feel guilty for doing this, or do you feel like you deserve time off?

6.) If you have realized that you are indeed nurturing yourself, this is a wonderful affirmation, and this exercise can be used simply to remind you of the things you do to look after yourself. If, however, this has brought to light your impatience and disregard for your own well-being, now is the time to meditate on why you don’t treat yourself with the same compassion you would show others.

7.) When you feel ready, think about how you could now make steps towards treating yourself with the same care and respect you show for others; see yourself replacing negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Make sure that you choose something that closely relates to the situation, rather than a generic platitude. If, for example, you are having a hard day and can’t get a project done on time, rather than berate yourself for this, imagine something more appropriate such as, “I have given it my best and that is all I can do. I will start afresh tomorrow.” If you make yourself out to be unworthy it creates a pattern of ongoing destructive behavior. We would never want our friends and family thinking of themselves in this way, so remind yourself that you also deserve compassion. Think about working towards helping yourself in a considerate and constructive manner.

8.) When you feel you have come to the end of the meditation, commit to carrying your good work forward by treating yourself with kindness and compassion in your daily

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